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An original short story
by Aaron Bergman

Disclaimer: According to the theories of Darwin, the people depicted in this fic could not, actually, exist. The fact that people like this do indeed exist is a strong argument for creationism. Any resemblance to persons either living or dead is probably no coincidence, but you can think so if it makes you feel better. In no way should you find anyone in this fic to be inspiring in ANY way. We mean it.

TO: iamfanboy@hotmail.com
RE: your new fic

Since the dawn of the Internet, many badly written fics have been inflicted on poor, unsuspecting readers. But, in the Year of Our Lord 2001, two hands (one left, one right), eight separate fingers, and two theoretically opposable thumbs have abused a keyboard in such a way that the electrons themselves no doubt screamed in agony as they were compelled by Ohm's Law to travel through the buses of your computer, causing minute changes in the surface of your hard drive as you wrote.

I opened your fic at two-thirty this afternoon, having enjoyed your works in the past and fully expecting another twenty-five minutes of pure pleasure. Instead, what my corneas were subjected to makes my frontal lobes ache with the pain of trying to figure out why. Just why.

In short, your fic sucks choad. I don't want to see any of your works ever again. You may have spoiled internet fanfiction for the rest of my life. You are the reason that fanfiction will never be taken seriously by the world. And, in the names of Teleute, Discordia, and Skuld, never, never, NEVER write a sequel!

send [Y/N] Y


Ah, the cybernet cafe. Home to many and varied forms of life, most of them living on the people who frequent it. The customers at such a place varies from the poser who only checks his email to the hardcore person who sleeps under the desk rather than miss anything.

One such person was staring at his screen, in awe of the Ultimate Flame. He enjoyed flames more than anything else in the world. Once, he'd started a flame war that had crashed three servers before burning out (if you'll pardon the pun.) But this…

This should be enshrined for all to see. It was glorious. That was the only way to describe it.

A chime that indicated yet another customer distracted him from his ruminations. His first thought was Oh, another wannabe here to luse at Starcraft, before the scent of a true brother crossed his nostrils.

He turned and gaped in awe, for the newcomer's rotund torso was incased in a shirt covered in a series of ones and zeroes, grouped in eight. Quickly translating, he gasped, for the shirt read, simply, "I speak in Assembly."

Why, it was even on a par with his own shirt of Skuld the Bug Hammer! Thus, he wasn't at all upset when the newcomer sat down beside him. Without looking away from his screen, the newcomer said, "#include <iostream.h> voidmain() {cout<"What's your IRC handle?";} return(0);"

"IF server=efnet, THEN chat Super_Gadget, ELSE END." He wasn't surprised when a message popped up on his screen moments later.

sdryu: So, how've ya been?

Super_Gadget: Been worse. Just got done flaming some moron, which'll make me feel good for days. You?

sdryu: Not bad. Posted a fic recently, and I need to check my email. The home machine's down with a cold.

Super_Gadget: That sucks. I blew a hard drive last year and still ain't got around to replacing it.

Several moments passed, which Super_Gadget used to check his own email for the twelfth time that day. Then,

sdryu: Hey, check this flame that I got. It's pretty lame.

A segment of text followed. As he read it, Super_Gadget's indignation and rage grew, for this, this, THIS… was his own flame.

And this poser had called it LAME.

Super_Gadget's fingers flew over the keyboard.

Super_Gadget: YOU'RE the moron that wrote that piece of utter tripe?

sdryu: YOU'RE the prep school luser that sent me that boring flame?
I've farted better flames than that!

Super_Gadget gasped in shock.

Super_Gadget: You dare to call me a luser???? I have no doubt in my
mind that one such as you would open any Todd MacFarlane toy you buy!

There was no response for several seconds, and Super_Gadget sat, content in the knowledge that once again he had come out on top. Then, like the first cannon salvos echoing across a battlefield, text appeared in a reply box.

sdryu: You can't sing along to your jpop cds.

Super_Gadget: Have you even watched an anime that wasn't on Toonami?

sdryu: How many hours did it take you to get all the characters on
Marvel vs. Capcom 2? Nine?

Super_Gadget: I don't think you know what the word baka means, so I
won't bother calling you one.

sdryu: Makkanagee morkan!!!

Super_Gadget: Where did you learn your Elvish? Everquest, perhaps?

Super_Gadget watched from the corner of his eye as sdryu's hands clenched the corner of the keyboard's sliding tray, sending little cracking noises forth. Then,

sdryu: At least my ICQ number doesn't have eight digits.

Super_Gadget slid the chair back, stood up, and leveled one finger at his accuser! He screamed, "That's only because I had to change it!" He looked around the room, for in the silence that followed his shout, all eyes had fallen upon him. He asked, somewhat indifferently, "What?"

He inhaled slowly. He exhaled slowly. He carefully sat down into his chair and slid it back into battle stations. Fingers poised like spiders over the keyboard, he typed the words he knew would win him any flame war. He detested their use, much like any government would detest the use of nuclear weapons, but he had no choice.

Super_Gadget: At least I don't subscribe to 2600.

And it was on.

sdryu: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!

Super_Gadget: You heard me.

sdryu: Okay, THAT'S IT!!! We settle this, right here, right now!!!

Super_Gadget: Fine, you poser. I challenge you to a duel of who has
seen more anime, played more video games, and enjoyed more bad kung
fu movies.

"Very well!" The two combatants stood and faced each other. Throwing their backpacks into alternate corners, sdryu raised one hand in the proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

Now they were standing in a very proper Japanese dojo, done in fine wood paneling. Several holes in the wall were boarded up crudely, adding an image of age and hard use. Super_Gadget looked around, unimpressed. "I see you have chosen the Tendo Dojo as our first venue. Nice, but hardly original."

"Be quiet! Fierce Punch!" Super_Gadget blocked sdryu's attack and countered with a Low Kick. sdryu flipped backwards, defying gravity neatly, and Taunted his foe.

"Where did you learn to fight? Invincible Super Chan?"

sdryu stopped Taunting at this insult to his ability and scowled. "Where did you learn your ballet? Jean-Claude Van Damme?"

Super_Gadget scowled in return. "For that, you die. Spinning Bird Kick!"

sdryu ducked and said, "I see you have mastered your basics. But you still lack knowledge of your Alphas. Shin-Shoryuken!"

Super_Gadget blocked and laughed aloud. "That is where you are wrong, my friend. I have moved one step beyond." And Mega Man leapt onto the battlefield, along with Strider Hiryu! They attacked sdryu from several directions at once, and he just barely avoided becoming a smear. They leapt away, and Super_Gadget raised one hand in the air. "Assist Good!"

He was too busy exulting in what he'd assumed to be his victory to notice as sdryu walked up to him, did a set of impossible splits, and socked him in the balls. "Johnny Cage Nut Punch!" Super_Gadget clutched his jewels, turned a horrible shade of blue, and fell over onto his side.

sdryu got to his feet, clutched his jewels, turned a horrible shade of blue, and fell over onto his side. After fifteen minutes of writhing around in sheer agony, they both struggled to their feet. sdryu looked at Super_Gadget. "Mortal Kombat to dev/null."

"Agreed. Mortal Kombat to dev/null." Super_Gadget, not wishing to give his opponent a moment's respite, whirled around several times. When he stopped, he had a red cape over his shoulders, a picnic basket in his hands, and a cute puppy yapping at his feet. He pulled a machine gun from the basket and leveled it at sdryu. It spit forth a solid stream of lead, that, nevertheless, impacted harmlessly against sdryu's chest! It tore away at his shirt, until it revealed the big "S" underneath. Out of ammo, Super_Gadget chucked the gun at sdryu, who ducked of course.

"The kid gloves are off!" He ran forward, leaving a trail of images behind him that shimmered in the air like mirrors. Super_Gadget threw one Hard Punch, expecting it to impact his foe's face, and was thrown off-balance when it met no resistance.

He looked around and saw sdryu standing there, laughing. "I see you know how to utilize Bullet Time. But can you stand against my Ludicrous Time?" He jumped up into the air and came down in a Jumping Left Kick, leaving tacky color behind him as he came.

Super_Gadget just barely managed to dodge. As did, he gasped, "He's gone to plaid!" Then, knowing that the fight was beyond him in the ordinary realm, he moved it one step up and leveled one fist at sdryu. "Can you defend yourself against my Bad Kung Fu Dub Taunting?" Then, his lips were moving out of sync with his words!!!! "Ha ha ha ha! I laugh at you in insulting ways. Your fighting techniques are easily dodged. Ha ha ha ha ha! Now you will must die!"

At first, sdryu writhed in agony, and Super_Gadget's heart began to rise. Then, a slight smile lit sdryu's face, and he began laughing in a way that ripped through the Bad Kung Fu Dub Taunting. Laughing in a way that defied both his sex and nature. He was laughing… like Naga the White Serpent. "OHO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO OHO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!!"

Cotton in the ears failed to keep away the torment. He lacked a pencil with which to smash out his eardrums. Super_Gadget resorted to the only thing he could call upon in his defense. He reached into one pocked and pulled out his pocket-sized edition of Oriental Adventures. Leafing through it, blood leaking from his ears, he came to the page that might hold his salvation. "I call upon the powers of the Shinobi and my lucky Twenty-Sider, GM's Doom! Silence, 15' Radius!"

Thankfully, blissfully, the laugh cut off. Super_Gadget looked around, saw the shadows in the doorway, and raised one hand in the proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

sdryu balanced neatly on the speeding boat and rolled his eyes at Super_Gadget. "You chose the ending speedboat chase from that dog, Face/Off? Please. You forget," he pointed one accusing finger at his foe, "no true fighting movie could afford such an extravagant scene!"

Super_Gadget said defensively, "I was just in a rush, that's all!"

sdryu shook his head. He raised one hand in the proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

Perched in the beams of a tall, tall tower at night, Super_Gadget looked out over the lights of a massive city and sniffed. "You want to destroy Tokyo Tower again? Jeez, what do people have against this thing?"

"Be quiet!" Then, a flame lit up around sdryu, and he rose up into the air as his hair became golden and stood up straight from his head. Super_Gadget grinned.

"Not a bad idea." And he did the same! Except…

"Gasp! Have you been hiding your Power Levels from me?"

Super_Gadget grinned wider. "Yes. Your Scouter… is useless."

sdryu reached into his cargo pocket and removed a small rubber duck. He squeezed it, and it gave one forlorn squeak, as though to cry, "It wasn't my fault, boss!" Then, he dropped it to the ground below and assumed a ready stance that Super_Gadget matched. And the two Super-Sayajin Form Fanboys rushed into combat.

And reduced the Tokyo Tower to molten scrap in exactly 2.736 seconds. Super-Gadget glared at sdryu over the burning rubble. "I told you that this would happen!" He raised one hand in the proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

Now, they were confronting each other on the top of a ruined, but still very tall, tower. Under any ordinary circumstances, they would not have been able to breathe, but they were beyond ordinary! Super_Gadget was impressed despite himself. "The top of Babel Tower?"

"Yes." They both pulled forth rings and placed them on their fingers. Swords of pure energy spouted forth from their knuckles, and sdryu looked back and forth between his and Super_Gadget's. "Your Schwartz is as big as mine."

They rushed forward, swinging their blades as one. They locked, and sdryu grinned at Super_Gadget. "I see that I am clearly outmatched."

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Because I know something that you do not know."

"And what is that?"

sdryu disengaged violently, throwing himself backwards. "I am not left-handed." And he switched hands!

By the second blow exchanged, Super_Gadget knew he could not win. So, he sought a different angle. Of course, he could simply answer the hand-switch with the same -such is within the idiom- but that would only give the advantage to his foe.

He parried his foe's blade, lifting it up above their heads. And Super_Gadget slammed his open palm into sdryu's side! "Taste my Jinx Palm!"

sdryu staggered backwards, his sword of Schwartz fading away even as his powers did. "You have stolen my kung fu… is what I should say. However, I have knowledge of the Solar Stance! And, by the way, it only took me an hour to learn." He gathered his energies into a ball and flung it at Super_Gadget, literally blasting him into a wall.

Super_Gadget slumped from the ground to his hands and knees. He spread his fingers over the ground and shouted, "In the name of Super_Gadget the Fanboy, I order you, Tochao, Earth Claw, COME FORTH!"

Three holes *spanged* into the ancient metal, and then all three of them started moving, ripping their way in a straight line towards where sdryu stood, calm. Super_Gadget grinned savagely. Your arrogance will be your undoing!

Then, sdryu reached into his pockets and held six playing cards high in the air. As sunlight reflected from their foily surfaces, he said, "I remove six white mana from my pool and summon an Armor Cat!" A cat with a six-inch orange Mohawk running down its spine appeared, reeling back and forth. sdryu looked down at it. "Protect me! Forget your summoning sickness!"

"Mrawoar!" The Armor Cat leapt and wrapped itself around its summoner just as Tochao reached them. The icky invisible bug vanished as it ran headfirst into the Armor Cat.

Rather than let his foe get the offensive, Super_Gadget kept his hand on the ground and focused his energies through that. "Earth below me, submit to my will! Dug Haut!"

sdryu jumped into the air. As he looked down on his foe from Impossible Hang Time Prospective, he sniffed. "Please. If you're going to cast a spell, make it an effective one… like this! METEO!"

And the sky rained death.

sdryu landed as the smoke cleared. He looked around, but saw no sign of Super_Gadget. He bowed his head. "You died well…"

"Not yet, and not ever!"

sdryu's head whipped up wildly and he saw that Super_Gadget was standing before him, where there had been no one just a moment ago! "Gasp! How did you survive!"

In answer, Super_Gadget held up a medallion. "My Lucia's Pendant saved me by letting me teleport away."

sdryu reached into his shirt and pulled forth an identical pendant. He looked at it for a moment, then looked at his opponent with a quizzical expression. Then, the aged metal under their feet, driven beyond its final measure, gave one groan and snapped, sending both the Fanboys tumbling to their doom.

Super_Gadget raised one hand in the proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

Now, they were in a Buddhist temple, with lots of room to do really cool stunts. Chandeliers and such hung from the ceiling, and beams projected several feet from the walls in an almost gothic style. sdryu looked around and laughed lightly. "I hope you don't expect me to stand on one foot?"

"Hardly necessary," Super_Gadget said dryly. sdryu shrugged and ran for his foe, putting all his speed forth! Super_Gadget cringed reflexively, knowing that he could not defend against a strike, but sdryu ran past him. And ran up the wall! And tumbled backwards, putting all his weight into one final attempt to crush his foe.

Super_Gadget merely crossed his arms across his chest and stepped to one side, letting sdryu crash into the floor. Dust rose up in concentric rings around the site of impact as Super_Gadget leveled one finger at his foe. "I see that you have tried to mimic the run up the wall technique Neo used in The Matrix. But your technique is flawed, for… Neo started with his left foot. You began with your right."

"Gasp!" sdryu gathered himself into a cross-legged position. His Armor Cat uncurled itself from around his torso and curled up in his lap. "I have been… defeated."

He started petting the cat in his lap as he pointed his finger at the victor. "But I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!!!"


Unheeding of the ill will directed towards him, Super_Gadget turned and walked for the door. But, just before he walked out, sdryu could feel the air fracture around him and, although he could see his foe standing in the doorway, he heard Super_Gadget as though he were whispering in his ear. "Or maybe this is just another of many possibilities…"


The End???

Are you inspired? [Y/N]

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