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A Ranma ½ story
by Aaron Bergman

Sorry about this folks, but now that I'm an official fanfic writer (meaning someone has actually responded to me. Woohoo!), my Evil Clone insists on writing a fanfic of his own.

I KNEW I should've insisted on instructions being included with my official Washuu-chan Clone-Yourself-In-Thirty-Minutes Kit I bought on eBay, but I had to listen to my hacker friend. "Instructions? You only need the instructions if something goes wrong! What could possibly go wrong?"

The writer of this fic answered that question rather nicely. He was my first attempt at cloning myself. The less said about my second attempt, the better. I wanted to clone a female version of myself, and she ended up… well, imagine a kinder, gentler version of Belldandy. Makes me weep when I watch her serve tea and all I can think is, There, but for the grace of a 'Y' chromosome, go I…

My Evil Clone is insisting on one editorial correction. He isn't my Evil Clone; he's my Misunderstood Clone Who Has This Problem with Attention-Getting Behaviors. There. Can I have my toes back now? It's kinda hard to walk without them…

NYAHAHAHA! My foolish clone (I am the original, you see) was fool enough to let me within five feet of a keyboard. It was a sad day for cloning indeed when he came out of the test tube.

Ordinarily, I'd write this lemon (yeah, it's a LEMON!!!!) and pin the blame on him, but after rereading my masterpiece, I'm going to take the CREDIT!!!!!

Lemon Warning:

This thing refers to sex in gratuitous (and, hopefully, humorous) ways. If you don't think the faces humans make mid-coitus are funny, this story isn't for you.

Oh yeah, for some reason people younger than eighteen aren't supposed to know that sex exists. So, if you're under eighteen, for God's sake, show some maturity and hit the 'back' button right now!

If you're over eighteen, feel free to be as immature as you wanna be and read this story. You should get at least one or two chuckles.

Don't take this story too seriously; it would be bad for your blood pressure.

In case you're wondering, I haven't magically become a billionaire overnight and purchased all the rights to Ranma ½ (no matter how much I'd like to and make Ranma ½ the Movie 4: The Varaiyah Cycle…) All those rights still belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video. This story most certainly has no bearing on continuity, and if you notice anyone being a just a little out of character, it's probably intentional, you fool!


By Eyewrin, Misguided Clone Who Has This Problem with Attention-Getting Behaviors

Ryouga slept peacefully, weary from his long wanderings. His quest for a new technique had led him far away from Nerima, and strangely, that distance had taken some of the urgency he had felt to crush his rival.

Survival on the road meant being able to wake up instantly, however, so when he felt a light touch on his shoulder he grabbed for the offending hand, ready to twist the owner into submission.

Or Ryouga would have, if the hand had been there. As he came awake more fully, he easily identified the figure silhouetted against the predawn sky as Ranma's masculine self. The wanderer sighed. It seems as though my wanderings have taken me once again to Nerima. Such is fate.

"Ranma, why the hell did you wake me up? I'm warning you, if you want a fight…"

"Naw, that ain't it, Ryouga." Ranma sounded almost… hysterical. At first Ryouga couldn't identify the tone in his rival's voice, because it was so radically different from what he'd come to expect.

Ryouga clutched his sleeping bag closer with one hand and reached for a flashlight with the other. "What's wrong, Ranma?" As he rummaged through all the stuff he'd left in arms' reach, he noticed that Ranma was holding a massive book, cradling it in both arms.

"I… A coupla days ago, I went to that cursed antique shop, y'know, the one Kuno got that Phoenix Egg from? An' I saw a book, a book that was labeled…" Ranma's voice trailed off.

Ryouga waited for a few moments, then said impatiently, "What was it labeled?"

Ranma gave a strangled laugh. "The title was Collected Knowledge of Jusenkyo. I bought it, and read it." He stopped again, even as Ryouga's hand closed around the flashlight.

Ryouga turned the flashlight on, then swung the beam to illuminate Ranma's face. He recoiled in shock and gave out a gasp as he saw the tear tracks running down Ranma's cheeks. The martial artist looked as though he'd been crying hysterically for several days at least.

As though the light made no difference, Ranma recited dreamily, "I read the whole thing, then read it again. Then tore out some of the pages an' took it to the old ghoul, who said that the thing was real. The ghoul said it was real." Ranma sobbed out loud, and with a sinking sense of dread, Ryouga thought about what kind of knowledge would break the supremely confident martial artist. Ryouga started shivering convulsively.

"What did the book say?"

"It said that Jusenkyo isn't just 'bout random curses. The curse you get reflects a part of yourself that ya don't wanna admit exists. And my curse says…"

"It says?"

Ranma placed one hand on Ryouga's thigh through the sleeping bag. "My curse says that, no matter how I deny it, I'm really a girl. And… I want you, Ryouga-chan." He started sliding his hand up. "It don't matter whether I'm in a guy's or a girl's body, I want you."

Ryouga, frozen in terror, couldn't move a muscle as Ranma touched his… his…

"AAAUUUGH!!" Ryouga sat up in his guest futon, screaming at the sheer horror of his nightmare. He clutched at his head, trying to rip the horrible memory from his brain.

As consciousness returned, he remembered asking Kasumi if he could sleep in the guestroom earlier that night. He'd grown weary of the wandering lifestyle, so now it was coming to haunt his nightmares. He gave a bitter laugh at the cynical thought.

"Hey, could you - ahhh - keep it down, Ryouga?" Akane's voice sounded strained. And it was coming from Ranma's futon. Slowly, unwillingly, Ryouga's head swiveled in that direction.

Two women were between Akane's legs, vying for space at the opening that Ryouga had dreamed of for as long as he could remember. Akane pinched and tweaked her own nipples with one hand, and used the other to hold herself off the futon.

A slight trickle of blood leaked from Ryouga's left nostril at the sight of Akane's naked, sweaty flesh. "Wh-What are you doing?!"

"Homework, Ryouga. What does it look like, mo-oh!-ron?!"

One of the women raised her head from Akane's cunt. Ryouga was shocked to see Ranma's unmistakable feminine features streaked with Akane's juices. "I told ya to be quiet, Akane. Can't you manage even that? Now ya've gone and woke up Ryouga, and I'm sure he'll want in!"

Akane leaned forward and grabbed Ranma's left nipple with the hand she'd been using on her own breasts to give it a sharp twist. Ranma let out a squeal. "You always - ahhh - blame me for everyth-thing, Ranma!"

The other woman sat up. With a fading sense of shock, Ryouga absently noted it was Shampoo. Her breasts swayed back and forth as she shifted slightly. "It rude to leave you friend out, husband." Shampoo grinned mischievously. "Amazon records say stamina men gain from learning bakusai tenketsu also aid sex, but it been so long time since man learn technique that it become rumor." She started crawling sensuously towards Ryouga. "Great-grandmother would want me check and see. I say give stupid pigboy night he never forget."

Akane groaned, and not in a sexual way. "Do I have to? You know how much I hate men."

Ranma gave Akane a Look. "Yes you do. If we're gonna have children someday, you've gotta practice having sex in a normal way. Think of it as… martial arts!"

Akane shoved Ranma playfully. "Moron! Everything is martial arts to you." Then she started for Ryouga. All three of them reached him at the same time. Their hands touched his body sensuously, making him rise to the occasion. They smothered him in feminine flesh and…

Ryouga tore the sleeping bag from his face in a desperate attempt to breathe. He gulped air as he gazed up at the stars, wondering out of what depths that nightmare had come.

He'd been training hard with Ranma all day. Ever since he'd settled his engagement difficulties, the two of them had become fast friends. It didn't stop them from brawling every now and again, however.

He turned over on his side, intending to go back to sleep. He looked over at Ranma's sleeping bag, and jerked back to wakefulness when he saw that it was empty. "What?" He sat up and looked around the camp. No Ranma. "Ranma? Where'd you go?"

The only answer he could hear was a muffled sort of yell. But he could at least tell what direction it was coming from. Getting to his feet, he grabbed his umbrella and started sprinting in the direction of the yell.

After knocking down several trees, he came to a clearing. Scattered about it were the bodies of a half-dozen girls who had been cut apart, their organs and limbs used to make a crude pentagram. In the center of the pentagram was a horrible demonic beast with an insane number of tentacles. Ryouga noted, with an odd detachment, that the tentacles were tipped in a way that made them very phallic.

The monster was also supporting Ranma on those tentacles. They twined about her limbs and probed all her orifices. The monster noticed the martial artist standing at the edge of the clearing and said in a cultured British accent, "You just wait your turn. I've got dibs on this nice piece of AAHHHH!"

Ranma spit out a piece of tentacle and made retching noises. "Yuck! I'll never get the taste out of my mouth! Now I know why girls in tentacle porns never bite down!" She cast a glance at Ryouga. "A little help?"

Ryouga charged in, only to bounce off some sort of invisible field when he came to the outer edges of the pentagram. The demon hurhurhured. "Hur, hur, hur! What, did you think that I wouldn't have a shield up to protect me?" He started whipping long, thin tentacles across Ranma's back, and she let out a shriek. "Bitch! That's for biting me!"

"AHHH! R-Ryouga! Do the Shishi HokoEEE!" Ranma screamed again and again as Ryouga charged his chi up to the bursting point.

Finally, ready to release the energies gathered in his system, Ryouga shouted "SHISHI HOKODAN!!!" The beam of energy impacted and splashed against the shield, rebounding. Ryouga stared in disbelief as his own chi came rushing at him.

It drove him headfirst through four trees. As he wavered between consciousness and unconsciousness, Ryouga watched Ranma release her own chi blast. He gratefully sank into the darkness as victory was assured.

He came to slowly, a rhythmic beeping penetrating his consciousness.

"Ryouga? Are you awake?" A girl's voice, sounding questioning and a little afraid.

Ryouga opened his eyes and saw a generic hospital ceiling. He turned his head and saw one of those funny line things, presumably hooked up to him. He turned his head the other way and saw Akane sitting there. Her black hair brushed her shoulders; she'd apparently grown it some since…. When?

"A-Akane? What are you doing here?"

Rather than answer immediately, Akane got up and went to the door. After looking both ways down the corridor, she closed the door behind her. Then, she said, "We were so worried about you, Ryouga! After you went crazy and started running head-first into every obstacle you could find, screaming something about 'toughening yourself up', you knocked yourself into a coma!"

"I did?"

Akane moved closer. Something in her blue eyes made Ryouga sweat, just a little. "Yes, you did. We've been sitting watch on you for two months. And now that you're finally awake again…"

With two deft movements, Akane swept the blanket off of Ryouga and flipped his little medical tunic up. Reaching one finger out, she touched his limp organ. "Wow, you're even bigger than Ranma!"

Ryouga made a feeble effort to flip his tunic back down, but Akane prevented the weakened martial artist from doing it. Ryouga sputtered out, "W-what are you doing!?"

Akane purred slightly as she wrapped one hand around his already-hardening penis. "I decided that you're the only one for me, Ryouga. So now…" She wrapped her lips around it, and slid her tongue out of her mouth to taste more of its length. Ryouga gasped. Akane raised her head and grinned at the discomfited wanderer. "…I'm going to show you how much I love you."

With that, she resumed her attentions. Though Ryouga was no expert in such things, he judged Akane to be quite good at giving head. And with what he'd been dreaming about in the coma, he needed something nice…

Ryouga closed his eyes and grunted as he came in Akane's mouth. Hair brushed against his stomach, and he opened his eyes again to see that a black-haired wig was lying on his stomach, and the person that had blown him was… Ranma!

Ranma licked a bit of cum from the left corner of her mouth, and said, "Told ya that I wanted ya, Ryouga-chan."

Ryouga screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"BWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ryouga went from nightmare to awareness in less than a second. Panting slightly, he realized that he was a piglet. Joyous. But still better than his dream…

"P-chan, what's wrong?" He turned to Akane and leapt into her arms, glad to finally be out of the nightmare.

Ranma came into Ryouga's view. "Ever since Ryouga got stuck as P-chan, he's been acting really weird."

Akane nodded. "You're right. Are there any pet psychologists in Tokyo we could take him to?"

Ryouga was paralyzed by fear. Akane knew he was P-chan? Then, what Ranma had said fully sunk in, and he started to freak out. "BWEEEE!!!!!" Jumping out of Akane's arms, he ran like a panicking pig for the bathroom.

Due to some miracle, he didn't get lost along the way. Bashing his way through the door, he jumped into the still-filled tub. And he was still P-chan!!!!!

That's when he noticed the water was cold. Ice-cold. Grave-cold. Oinking in relief, he booked for the kitchen, hoping beyond hope that there was some hot water to be had there.

When he got there, he saw Kasumi standing next to the stove. And on the stove was a boiling pot of water.

"BWEE!" Ryouga sprang into the pot of boiling water. And didn't change! He sunk into the deepest despair he'd ever known.

Akane came over and looked down in the pot. "I think he wants to commit suicide."

Ranma stood next to her. "Wouldn't surprise me at all. I'd do the same, if I were him."

Kasumi was next. "Oh my! I think he would have his finest hour as my sweet-and-sour pork."

Both of the teens nodded their assent, and Ryouga found out he'd only touched the edge of despair before as the lid descended onto his pot…

"AHHHH! Goddamn, that's hot!" Ryouga, woken from a sound sleep by a face full of boiling water, didn't know whether to pound whoever did it or grovel at their feet in thanks.

"Ryouga, I really need to talk to you." Ryouga didn't open his eyes.

"If you say ANYTHING about wanting me, Ranma, I will kill you."

"Keep your voice down, man! You don't want her to wake up, do you?" Ryouga opened his eyes, and saw that Ranma was wearing…. Not much of anything. His lack of outfit consisted of black leather straps and brushed metal spikes. A ball gag dangled around his throat, which he'd apparently pulled out.

"What's going on, Ranma?" Somehow, he just wasn't surprised by this latest surreal development.

"Akane snorted some kinda spice and just went nuts, man! I was wondering if I could get lost with you…"

"SLAVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!" Akane was wearing even less than Ranma, if that is possible. She snapped the whip in her left hand menacingly.

"N-nothing, Akane-hime! Nothing at all!" Akane flicked the whip across Ranma's back, drawing a sharp shriek from him.

Now, Ryouga knew he wasn't the smartest guy in the world. In fact, a strong case could be made for him being the most gullible idiot of a martial artist that has ever taken one too many hits to the cranium. But even he can catch on… sometimes.

That's why, when presented with the surreal vision of Akane about to sodomize Ranma with something spiked, he simply turned his head and shouted out, "Who are you? Why are you doing this to me? Show yourself!"

The screams stopped, and Ryouga watched as a short, pudgy man wearing a loud coat and an ugly top hat flipped out of nowhere.

The little man bowed and said, "Greetings, Ryouga Hibiki! I am Mujaki, the keeper of Baku!" He gestured to a tapir-like creature that had appeared and was chowing down on the walls.

Ryouga grabbed Mujaki's shirtfront. "How dare you make me have bad dreams! I oughtta…"

Mujaki, apparently panicking, waved his hands frantically. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Baku was hungry, so we stopped for a quick bite to eat." Mujaki snapped his fingers. "How about if I give you a dream that you pick?"

Ryouga dropped Mujaki. Stars crept into his eyes as he said, "You mean I could have a dream about finally defeating Ranma?"

Mujaki nodded. "Easy." He pulled his top hat off, waved a handkerchief across the opening, and pulled out an Easter egg. "Dream Egg. Crack it open and have fun!" He handed the egg to Ryouga, who took it tentatively. Mujaki bowed again and vanished, taking his tapir with him.

Ryouga cracked the egg.

Ryouga put his fist through Ranma's face. Blood, bone, and brains covered his hand, and he wept in joy. "At last, I have defeated Ranma!"

"Ryouga. How could you?" Ryouga turned around, withdrawing his fist from the ruin it had made of Ranma's face, and saw Akane standing there.

"Akane! What are you doing here?"

A single tear dripped from her left eye. "Watching you kill my one true love."

The skies wept even as she did, both mourning the fallen warrior. Minus the poetry, it meant that Ryouga turned into a pig, who ran, cursing everything. The world, Ranma, himself, and life. He came to a sudden cliff, and threw himself off it. As he fell, he thought The world is… a dark and… lonely place…


Author's notes: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My fool clone is proven wrong again! He said I would never finish this, or even make it half as good as one of his lame fics. This is at least TWELVE TIMES BETTER!

Now who's the mistake, you poor excuse for an author?


Aaron's notes: Umm… I guess it wasn't too bad. For being written by an evil clone, that is. Next thing you know, Aerin will be wanting to write a fic.

-Oh my, what a good idea! I would love to write a 'happy-ending' for those poor people in Neon Genesis Evangelion! I just love happy endings!-

Owww, I hate it when she does that. Fair warning to whomever else might buy the Washuu-Chan Clone-Yourself-In-Thirty-Minutes Kit: no matter what else you do, NEVER click the 'add telepathy' button. It is not a good idea. It is not a 'cute' thing to have in a little girl. It is HELL ON EARTH.

Aaron Bergman

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