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Sailor Moon, Twisted, Sick, Wrong, Perverted
Hosted by Eyewrin, Misguided Clone Who Has These Problems With Attention-Getting Behaviors

DISCLAIMER: All the characters in this story are at the age of eighteen at the time of this fic. Honestly. What, do you think I'm some kind of pervert?

Practice safe sex! You don't know where your partner's been, especially if you're a horrendous tentacled monster.

Aaron's forward: Well, well, well… look what I found on my new laptop. A fanfic that my Evil Clone thought he could hide from me - on MY OWN computer! I can't believe he was so stupid! BWAHAHAHAHackcoughcoughwheeze

Ouch. How does he laugh like that?

Ahem. At first, I was just planning to send it to the trashcan, like all his other lame-ass hentai fanfics (Kid and Harle from Chronocross? Spare me), but this one is actually… kinda good. Not as good as any of my good-ol' fashioned no-sex-at-all fanfics, of course, but there's always a few people out there who read lemon fanfics. Of course, I'd never do a thing like that.


Anyway, without further ado, I'd like to give you… Eyewrin's latest lemon. This thing is pure raunch as soon as the sex starts, but it's funny in the beginning, and towards the end, and you can just skip over the sex parts easily enough. You won't be missing much… unless you like that sort of thing.

Oh yeah, before I forget (and I'm sure my ingrate of an Evil Clone would never do this on his own):

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon, and all its characters, were created by Naoko Takeuchi and only she and the people she says have permission to use her characters in any way. That never stopped us before, though, and it won't stop us now.

Eyewrin's forward: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I cannot believe that my fool clone, Aaron (I am the original, of course. No copy could match my brilliance!), left his laptop lying around. While ordinarily I would use this golden opportunity to hack with everything on his computer, sign him up for Email Free Daily Teletubbies Wild Sexx Pictures, subscribe him to the Britney Spears Online Fanletter, and otherwise destroy his entire life, I shall spare his miserable computer this time, for I have… an observation.

As I plumb the depths of Sailor Moon hentai fanfiction, I notice that there are, quite sadly, only three flavors, and all three have been done to death.

The author-insertion (no pun intended) stories, where the all-powerful author-chara manages to lay one or many of the Senshi, has possibilities, but sadly, no one would read such a pathetic sally into  the field.

The admittedly entertaining girl-on-girl action tales, where there's a whole lotta lickin' and twinin' of sweaty bodies, also sounds like a lot of fun, but it's also limited. I mean, even with, what, 10 female Senshi counting that annoying pink-haired one who should be shot, there's only so many combinations conceivable. Unless you were to have her shot and then… But that's just sick. Really. Hmm…

Anyway, the last genre has the most potential, but is also the most abused. To sum it up, tentacled monster invades, ravages the poor, helpless Senshi in ways that they really shouldn't like, but eventually (bwahahaha) they succumb.

While there is nothing wrong with these stories, and I have whiled away many a fine hour with these excellent pieces of literature, I have a slightly… different… idea. What if we were to step through the looking glass? What if white were to become black, and black some as-yet undetermined non-black color?

What if all the Senshi (including the pink-haired one, unless I have her shot first) were abusing a poor, helpless tentacled monster that just happened to bear a slight resemblance to a certain clone with less-than-social tendencies?

Have you ever had one of those surreal moments?

I mean, when something seems slightly off, and you don't quite notice what it is, but it's making you very uncomfortable, so you tear around your living room trying to figure it out, and finally you see with a sense of relief that the portrait of your great-grandfather is hanging slightly askew, so you try to fix it, and then you notice that it isn't the picture that's askew, it's the world

Then again, maybe I'm not putting this feeling into a metaphor you poor humans could understand. I am, after all, the most surreal experience most of my victims ever have. I'm no uberyoumageneral, mind you, but I get by. I like having tentacles too, they're handy when you have to scratch your nose and use a urinal at the same time.

It all started when my Queen called me to her throne room. I was extremely pleased, not only because it meant a chance to wreak a little havoc in the real world, but also because this prince guy my Queen had kidnapped from Tokyo and brainwashed was trying to do karoke.

I have nothing against karaoke. In theory. The only problem comes when a man pops in a CD of Megumi Hayashibara songs and does karoke to them.

The worst part was, he was scoring 90s quite easily…

Anyway, it was with absolutely no regret that I teleported to the Throne Room. Though, a few minutes later, I was actually missing Shining Girl. For my Queen had called me in to discuss yeast infections. What do I care about yeast infections? I'm a fucking demon! (No pun intended, of course.)

Apparently, though, I "Aah"ed when I should've "hmm"ed, for my Queen became wrathful with me and sent me to destroy the Sailor Senshi, which I was absolutely ecstatic about. Let me explain why.

Any youma you ever meet has a death wish. If you lived in the deepest depths of hell with all those moaning, tormented souls never letting you have a decent night's sleep, the only women you can date being the kind that tend to eat their mates, and not a single decent cigarette shop anywhere, you'd have one too.

That's why, despite the fact that the Senshi have a infinity:0 win-loss record, we youma continually let ourselves be sent to certain doom. Just in case you were wondering. Also, there's this little shop in downtown Shinonome that sells the greatest cigars…

Nevertheless, it was on my trip through the dimensional barrier that I started to get that surreal feeling. It could have been the fact that the fields of purest evil were slightly warped around Tokyo that day. It could have been the fact that the transdimensional sub-harmonics felt twisted, kinked. It could have been the cute blonde wandering around, calling out, "Kiyone… Kiyone…"

I landed in front of that store with no bits missing. I walked in, plunked down enough money for a small humidor filled with the finest leaf ever to be rolled into a football shape, and stepped out into the street again with foul smoke rolling out of my mouth. Aahh. For the first time in a long time, I was starting to feel like the foul hellspawn that I was.

Which reminded me of my mission. I started feeling for the energies thrown out by the Sailor Senshi. The only survivor of a dimension destroyed by the Senshi brought the technique to us; I could never remember if he was from the seventh dimension they crushed, or the eleventh. That sort of thing kinda blends together after a while.

It was, quite honestly, child's play. This close to their sugary-sweet energies, they stood out like… like… something really bright and shiny. Although, something about their energies seemed off, but I put it down to that weird feeling again.

I rode the shadows like a Camel of Death to where they were (always a handy trick), making sure to keep the amount of energy I used to a minimum so as not to alert anyone too soon to my presence. I ended up… at an open-air cafe called the Red Umbrella.

Go figure.

Anyway, I spotted them almost immediately. There were only three present, but that was actually a relief; they might be easier to pick off in smaller numbers.


The one with long black hair and the one with short black hair were sitting there, along with one of the blonde ones. I couldn't tell which blonde witch it was, though. They both act so stupid…

"I can't believe you just stood there and him be kidnapped again!" The black-haired one - Rei, that was her name - sounded angry. Upset. Distraught. Peeved. Downright pissed.

The blonde one snapped back, "Oh, you're just pissed because it was your turn next. Besides, I didn't just stand there, I laid there on the ground because I was tied up!"

The one with short black hair didn't look up from her book as she said, "I'll never understand why you insist on playing those kinky games whenever it's your turn, Minako."

"Oh, and what do you do when it's your turn, Ami? Lie on your back and whimper?" Then, Minako's voice turned sly. "I've never heard him protest my methods…"

The one named as Ami didn't say anything in response, only burrowed her nose deeper into her book as she flushed a bright shade of red.

I was torn at this point. One part of me wanted to attack them now, but another, larger part wanted to… play with my food, so to speak. It's one of those pesky problems with being a youma of my type. You get phenomenal cosmic powers, but once you see a pretty girl, all the blood goes from your brain right to the tentacles. And hell, let's face it, those Sailor girls might be demon-killing machines, but they've got really nice…

"Heh, heh, heh…"

I suddenly realized that I'd been chuckling evilly and staring blankly at the table full of cute girls for nearly a minute and a half, so I metaphysically grabbed myself by the scruff of the neck and shook really hard. Ouch.

I was so busy cussing myself out for that near-fatal lapse of attention that I almost didn't notice the fourth one until she walked right up to the table her friends were sitting at and said, "Hey, what's up guys?" She was tall. Really tall. I like 'em tall.

But there were already four there; which was a dangerous number. Three was bad enough; I couldn't let any more show up or I really would be (in a sense) wormfood. It was time to make my move.

There's a kind of demon that tries to destroy everything the moment they hit the Material Plane, engaging in an (no pun intended) orgy of destruction until they're banished, destroyed, Moon Healing Escalationed, whatever. That's not my style. I prefer subtle manipulations, simple, untraceable spells, and letting an enemy destroy him- or herself.

The first stage was to remove the brains, and the only one that had any was the one reading the book: Ami… which gave me the perfect opening.

I slowly wove a spell, keeping the power low enough that they wouldn't notice prematurely, and released it. It wafted gently over to Ami and settled into her hair, working slowly to convince her that the book she was reading was the best she'd ever read, that reading it was better that doing anything else, that nothing could compare to reading it, not even sex…

She crossed and uncrossed her legs unconsciously as her juices started flowing, telling a tale to any who had a nose for such things. They said she had only known two men and (my eyes crossed a bit at this) twenty-seven women?

Well, at least she'd be out of the way. I could tell that my spell had gone unnoticed by my target, and the others were caught up in a conversation that I'd ignored up until now. Hoping for an opening, I started paying attention.

"She's reacting about as you'd expect - she's ripping around her room, ready to tear the shit out of anyone that so much as reminds her of Mamoru's… ah… situation." That was the tall one. I licked my lips at the thought of twining my tentacles around that one.

The one that stank of priestesshood snarled out, "What right does she have to be angry, huh?! It was my turn to have him next!"

Were they talking about the Prince of Karoake back in the ol' home dimension? It would seem so. I'd wondered why My Queen, bless her lack of soul, allowed that blithering idiot into the kingdom…

Not that it would matter in a few minutes anyway. Since their attention was distracted, it would be the perfect time to strike.

The first move was to drop my disguise. The next was to whip my tentacles around the three standing up, completely avoiding the still-enraptured Ami. I closed my eyes and waited for the sweet screams to start before I ripped off their clothing. There are certain standards to be maintained, after all.

However, the screams didn't come. I cracked one eye open and looked at the Senshi that hung suspended in the webs of my tentacles. They looked back at me, seeming… bored, for lack of a better word. Without looking away from me, Rei said to Minako, "Another one?"

"Looks like."

That's when my bad feeling got a lot worse.

"What should we do with this one?"

Motoko shrugged and moved aside one of my tentacles to rub her chin with one hand. "I'm not too sure, actually. I mean, I want to kill him, but…"

I felt her slide herself slowly up, then slowly down the tentacle I'd inserted in her cleft. I scented her juices, and tried to shy away. STDs! Somehow, though, my body betrayed me, and that tentacle moved with her motion. She let out a moan of pure rapture and slid her hands under her shirt, rubbing her breasts through her bra.

I lost my focus on her, though, as wetness enveloped the tentacle I'd wrapped around Rei's throat. I turned my attention to the raven-haired girl and saw her tonsils slide closer. Oh, didn't I mention that my tentacles have eyes on the end?

When she saw my horned head turn in her direction, Rei popped the tentacle out of her mouth and, her eyes staring into mine, snaked her tongue out, and flicked the tip. I let out a demonic moan that rattled my razor-sharp teeth.

It had been fun, but now it had to end before they got the upper hand… err, upper something, anyway. I quickly put six more tentacles in advantageous positions and ripped through the skirts and blouses of all three Senshi in one motion that I had to practice for two centuries before mastering properly. Do you think that we're born knowing how to do these things?

Anyway. I twined two of the tentacles around Makoto's breasts, kneading them rhythmically. I flicked her nipples once, and she reached down to grab her breasts and smooshed them together, catching both of the tentacles between them. In an absolutely amazing feat of flexibility she bent her head down and sloppily licked what she could reach.

Meanwhile, I exuded a protective coat of slime on the tentacle that was between Minako's legs. Trust me, you do NOT want to get an sexually transmitted disease on a tentacle, even if you have twenty of them. Safety taken care of, I pulled the tentacle back and shoved it as far up her pussy as I could.

Sadly, that wasn't very far, for her panties were still in the way, and I cursed myself for that amateurish mistake. I twined the tentacle around the slip of cloth that came between our flesh and shredded it. She screamed in pleasure as my tentacle knotted around her panties while still inside her, pushing her entrance almost to the tearing point.

Then, as the tip of the tentacle touched her cervix, her scream ululated at the breaking point of glass. Obligingly, the glasses on a nearby table, abandoned by the patrons as they sensibly fled, shattered, sending sticky fluid all over the checkered tablecloth.

Don't be fooled into thinking that I was ignoring Rei, however. And because she hadn't been wearing panties (What a naughty girl. Doesn't she know what they say about girls who go around without knickers?) there'd been nothing stopping me from plugging both her holes violently. She responded to the violence I was inflicting on her asshole by first deep-throating the tentacle she'd still been licking, then by reaching down and rubbing her clit violently.

"Vile demon! We shall destroy you before WHAT THE HELL?!?"

Aha. That would be some other Senshi showing up, unless I missed my guess. Without looking, I whipped nine tentacles in their direction. Four were severed (which made me wince, but what could I do about it?) while the other five were right on target. I dragged both closer to me so I could get a better look, pulling one of them right through the table where Ami was still sitting, now with one hand in her panties while the other was holding the book six inches from her face. I briefly contemplated interrupting her, but why bother when I had five playthings already?

Speaking of that, I turned my attention to the two whom I'd just dragged in. One was blonde while the other had green hair, making me wonder if she'd misused her girlfriend's peroxide somehow. The blonde spat, "I don't know what kind of magic you used on them, but we won't succumb so unh!"

It's amazing how much stretch one of those sailor fukus have. I mean, they are supposed to be armor, right?

The newcomer blonde was tight, and her juices told the tale of never having known men before, but as for her bottle-job girlfriend… Well! I've rarely experienced such looseness, not even in succubae whose proud history stretches back more than a few millennia!

A short, pink-haired little girl showed up then and opened her mouth. I braced myself for the usual tiresome tirade, but thankfully I was spared as a red flower spouted from her forehead. Not literally, you jackass; her body jerked forward and fell face-down against the pavement as her brainmatter exited the back of her skull with the force of a small rocket.

I heard a voice say from above me, as though drifting out a window, "I think that was a nice shot, don't you, Itami?"


"Aw, yer no fun! Anyway, one contract on the pink-haired one, completed. We didn't have to harm any others, so we get the bonus! Ain't that sweet?"

I turned around, but there was nothing there but an open third-story window. I silently thanked whoever it was that eliminated the girl; I was starting to run out of tentacles (hey, I only have so many) and besides, I have no interest in little girls. I may be a youma, but do you think I'm a monster?

I felt a sharp twinge of pain in one of my tentacles, and turned my wandering attention back to the meal. I felt it again, and traced it back to the tentacle that was currently in Rei's rectum. She grinned at me, clenched her sphincter, and I was torn between being in awe of her muscular control and screaming in agony as she literally pinched off the end of that tentacle!

In the end (no pun intended) I settled for doing both and, stimulated beyond even my immense control, I sprayed my five victims with digestive fluid from my remaining tentacles. I always thought it was strange that my digestive fluids were colored white, but who am I to question Nature's Providence?

My tentacles, job done, were starting to retract a bit, losing some of their muscular definition.

That's when things took a decided turn for the worse.

First, the peroxide blonde latecomer grabbed the tentacle that had probed her heretofore unknowable regions and gave it a sharp, painful twist. "What the hell do you think you're doing, huh? We're not done yet!"

Ami's hips bucked as she had an orgasm, but she was still too caught up in the book to do more than open her mouth slightly and pant as her fingers continued working.

Last, but most certainly worst, I felt a probe at my own rectum, a probe that culminated in a most painful shove. I looked over my shoulder to see a most irate girl with two pigtails holding one end of a Moon Scepter. The other end being two feet deep in me. She gave it a sharp twist and grinned savagely as she said, "I feel like giving this season, instead of receiving. So, I shall punish you!"

I'll spare you the sordid details at no large cost to me. Suffice to say, the six girls worked me over in a way that would make some of the vicious she-beasts back home envious.

I lay on the pavement, trying to be glad at the fact that they'd at least left me my life and failing miserably. A shadow fell over me, and I managed to roll over to get a good look at its caster.

He looked perhaps twenty-five, despite a slight fringe of gray at the temples and a look in his eyes that could only be described as… lifeless, as though he'd seen some of the worst horrors that the world had to offer and had lived through them, much to his own regret. He said, softly, "I feel your pain."

"Not unless you've had three feet of scepter shoved up yer ass, Bub," I most distinctly failed to vocalize. Instead, what I said, tears threatening to leak out my eyes, "Really?"

"Really." He held out one hand. "My name is Oscar, and I represent the Survivors of Bad Hentai Fanfic. We work to gain vengeance upon those who inflicted this existence upon us!"


To be continued…?

Eyewrin's notes: When I can write like this, don't you think it's a grand injustice for Aaron to keep me locked up in the basement and only feed me a bucket of fish heads once a week?

Just kidding. He usually drops a bucket off every three days…

By the way, I had all three ways to spell Karaoke (karoke[karoake]) INTENTIONALLY in here because NO ONE knows how to spell it! No one!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Admit it, you were just waiting for me to laugh evilly…

Yeah, I hired the Magical Girl Hunters to off that annoying pink-haired one. They worked cheap, for once; one would think they had a grudge against her too…

So, I reiterate: Who's the mistake now, you lousy excuse for a gene-parent?

Aaron's notes: *Ducks the Nerf brick his sister chucks at him*

Well, what do you think, sirs and madams?

Yes, Oscar is stolen most gratuitously from the, erm, legendary lemon Artemis's Lover. If you haven't read it, you're missing one of the most horrifying things to ever be allowed to exist. In other words: DON'T READ IT! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE IF YOU EVER SEE IT ANYWHERE!!

Aaron Bergman

"I'd like two Double-D Ojosama Burgers with a Gratuitous-size order of fries."
"Would that be Panty-Cut or Tentacle-Style fries, sir?"
-My first visit to Hentai Burger

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